REPORT CARDS DON’T MEASURE YOUR CHILD’S SELF WORTH

We’ve reached that time of the year with another school year coming to a close when report cards are handed out to children. Of course, these days parents don’t have to wait for any physical card, as they can simply log online and view their children’s grades electronically. It was only a generation ago when some downcast and ashamed school-age kids, after receiving their tangible cards at school on the last day of the year, could try to cram their report cards to the bottom of their backpacks in hopes mom and dad wouldn’t see them. And it was a couple of generations ago, such as back when I was a student in a Catholic school, when the kids weren’t scared of what mom and dad would say after viewing their report cards; we were scared of what Father would say. Not “dad” father – but our “pastor” Father – who was like the superintendent of our Catholic school.

Father Mallahan, in my case the pastor of our school/parish when I was a student at Sacred Heart School in Bellevue, WA, would come to each classroom on the last day of school and one by one would hand out report cards to students. Father would glance through the card before calling out the name of the student found on the front cover, but he would only comment on one area of the card – the student’s religion class grade. If you received an “A” in religion, Father would say out loud, “Well done!” as he handed you your card. If you received a “B,” Father would say in a slightly lower volume, “Good job.” But for students who received a “C” or lower in religion class, with a disappointing expression on his face, Father would say nothing that the rest of the class would hear. Instead, as those students came forward sheepishly to receive their cards, he would whisper a few words into their ears. I never received a low enough grade to ever find out what Father said in those instances, but it couldn’t have been good as those low-religion-grade kids would often have tears coming down their cheeks.

Returning to the present time, when you as the parent of a school-age child log online to see his or her end-of-year grades, the very first thing I recommend parents do is to look solely for the “high” or “good” marks and praise your youngster for these. Even though your eyes may first go toward the “Needs Improvement” comment in the “Listens Attentively” category or the 70% mark in religion class, it’s the “Consistently Demonstrates” comment in the “Shows Respect Towards Others” category or the 90% in art class you should affirmatively comment on first. Whether it’s an academic subject, a work habit, or a social skill, your initial task is to find any and all positive sections on your child’s report card. Then straight up tell your child how proud you are regarding the areas in which he/she is doing well.

Don’t assume the “Consistently Demonstrates” comments and 90% marks that the teacher wrote down are motivating enough; a parent’s words of praise are more motivating. Although I’m not an advocate of literally paying for good grades (such as a student getting $5 from his or her parents for every “A”), I do promote celebrating good grades. So maybe on report card night you’ll want to ask your kids where they want to go out for dinner or dessert to celebrate the end of a school year and all the areas where their hard work paid off and the report card conveyed this.

But what if, after celebrating what your child is doing well, there are still so-called low or bad marks that are bothering you – marks that are bad enough that Father Mallahan would look disappointed? I recommend you talk to the two most knowledgeable people about why certain grades appeared on the report card – your child and your child’s teacher. You can discuss in a phone conference or a face-to-face conference with the two of them what your child thinks he/she can do to improve his/her grades, what the teacher suggests, and what goals are going to be set for the upcoming semester/trimester/quarter.

Perhaps a goal would be for your child to show improvement with turning in homework completely done and on time. You then work as a team to come up with action steps to accomplish this goal, such as expecting a minimum amount of time each school night to complete homework and making the TV and video games off-limits these nights. Perhaps mom or dad needs to email the teacher weekly to check-in on the child’s efforts and to confirm he or she is on course to reach the set goal. Of course, what goals your child and you set (with the teacher’s input) need to be realistic. For example, everyone may have a goal of earning straight “A”s on the next report card, but this may be unrealistic for your child. 

There is one more critical piece of advice I have for parents when report card time rolls around and you start critiquing your children’s grades. While not downplaying the fundamental importance of your child’s earned grades in reading, writing, and arithmetic, just as essential is your child performing well in areas that report cards typically don’t grade. The report card will not be grading your child in virtues such as “shows modesty and purity in dress and language,” “performs kind deeds even when no one is watching,” or “stands up for what is right.” But when it comes right down to it, these are the priorities Catholic parents should have for their children. It’s okay to strive for your child getting into college in the future. But more critically, you want your child to get into heaven.

Your child’s academic marks on a report card are not a measure of your child’s worth or of your parenting skills. You want your child to realize that God loves each of us, and we all have the potential to become like Him. “You, therefore, must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” (Matthew 5:48) Parents are to help their children learn from an early age that they have this great worth and are to assure their kids that mom and dad love them unconditionally, just as Jesus does. At report card time, it’s okay to have a disappointing look on your face if your child earned some low marks, but it’s also the perfect time to model God’s love, acceptance, and forgiveness.

The “3 R’s” – reading, ‘riting, and ‘rithmetic – are fundamentally important. But they are a level below the “3 C’s” – caring, compassionate, and conscientious. If your child’s “grades” in these Christian virtues are high, this alone is worth celebrating! And you don’t have to wait for report card night to go out and treat your kid to their favorite dinner or dessert.