Set Boundaries on Your Kids’ Phone & Video Game Use

The growing problem of children negatively transformed by and even addicted to the dangers of smartphones, computers, and video games has been amplified due to many parents being too permissive, ignorant, and/or lazy in allowing their child unmonitored access to these devices. In my last article – “How to Be Named Both ‘Meanest Parent Ever’ and ‘Parent of the Year’” – I wrote of the need for parents these days to act cautiously by not allowing unsupervised and/or unlimited access to the internet and video games and by rejecting the parent-peer pressure of giving their youngsters smartphones at too early an age. This article continues by focusing on a parent’s responsibility to become educated on how these electronic devices can be limited, when and for long to give their child access, and how to employ consequences if limits are broken. 

There is an easy way for parents to recognize if it was a good idea or not to allow their child excessive access to video game playing and/or to gift a smartphone to their child at an early age. If your child becomes visibly or verbally angry when you take away or limit the phone or game device, you can be assured that you have a problem. 

Too many parents give in whining kids or angry outbursts because it is easier to surrender to their child’s outburst than to take away or limit the use of their child’s tech-compulsion. Parents must realize a child getting all riled up over a device being withheld is revealing a growing addiction to smartphone use or video game playing, and thus, healthy boundaries need to be created. 

With kids in many cases being more technically savvy than adults, parents should keep up with their kids’ use of technology and get better informed on not just how phones and games work, but on the sneaky ways youngsters can access the internet and bypass parents’ monitoring. By doing so, mom and dad will better be able to protect the minds and souls of their sons and daughters, keeping them from becoming corrupted by the evils that much of society is promoting through youngsters’ screens. 

Of course, a fundamental action for parents to take that removes a lot of concern is to not buy their children smartphones until they earn their driver’s license – typically age 16. This will be the time when kids not only need more emergency communication access and GPS access, but when they have demonstrated maturity toward adulthood by training for and achieving their license. In the meantime, if you think your 10-15 year-old child needs a phone, buy him or her a “dumb phone.” (And don’t even think of getting any type of phone for a child who hasn’t even reached a double-digit age yet.)

So, assuming your child has reached the ripe old age of 16 and gets a smartphone,  mom and dad must learn how to set time limits and control content. Both android and Apple phones allow parents to set limits on how long the user can play games or use social media apps, what games and apps are allowed and which will be blocked, and even how many minutes/hours one can text or talk. This article is a good resource to help parents learn about parental control on phones. Other parent resources include:

• Safe social media use
• Cell phone risks
• Parental control apps to help keep your kids’ cell phone habits in check

As for video game parental controls, the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) has a great resource. When you set these controls, parents will be able to manage their children’s video game use, such as by blocking games by rating, limiting the time their children play, and restricting online communication. Other resources about video game and computer use include:

• Video game advisories
• Parental controls for kids’ screens

Once the parents have become educated and savvy about technology, and in doing so realize the potential dangers of devices in the hands of their kids, they may be frightened enough to want to go “cold turkey” and remove all use of the phone and video games. This dramatic jettison might indeed be necessary in a situation where the parents find their child is extremely addicted to their devices or has gotten into big trouble, such as relishing in pornography viewing or despicably communicating online with peers. But if the child is not out of control in his or her use of devices, parents might be more successful with some allowance but with definite limits and enhanced oversight.

A way to get started with limiting device-use is for mom and dad to first state their case by naming specific examples with their youngster on why there is concern that smartphones/video games could be causing problems, such as how their daughter vulgarly talked back when she was told to put away her phone, or how their son’s grades have decreased since he started playing certain video games. Then, to improve the chances of getting buy-in from their kid, parents should inform their child that instead of getting rid of the phone/game altogether, they are going to first give the child the ability to follow a new time-limit rule, and their child’s success with this new plan or defiance toward it will determine if the phone/game stays.

The new time-limit rule regarding their child’s use of technology devices could be presented by the parents saying:

“Starting tomorrow, the smartphone needs to be turned off by 8 p.m. (or the video game timer will allow you one hour of playtime). If we see you turning off your phone by 8 (or stopping the games after an hour) without acting out or complaining, and if your grades improve, we will keep this plan going. But if this doesn’t work, and you put up a fight when the time limit arrives and/or your grades don’t improve, then we will set up stricter restrictions that may eventually end up taking the phone/game away permanently.”  

I won’t pretend that this conversation will go swimmingly, as most kids will argue against limits parents set. Parents must stand firm and realize the goal here isn’t to seek and receive validation from their kids.  Parents will most likely be “hated” by their son or daughter at times like this, and it can be disheartening to hear a child shout back with how mean, dumb, and narrow-minded mom and dad are. A parent’s attitude in this case has to be straightforward and unyielding in the form or telling the child – and telling yourself:

“I am the parent. My job is to keep my kids safe and healthy. I cannot expect my child to happily accept my limits, but I have to remain firm.” 

There are many moms and dads who can’t seem to draw the line effectively because they have succumbed to today’s culture that gives kids too much power and that makes moms and dads believe it’s more important to be seen as “cool” and become their kids’ friends than it is to be seen as the authority figure who is the boss and role model.  

Although they don’t always show it or say it, kids desire structure and knowing their parents are giving them security. When mom and dad set limits, they are providing emotional structure for their kids. Conversely, when mom and dad care more about their kids liking them and are afraid their children won’t love them if they set limits, they improperly parent. Making the priority the removal of their kids’ “uncomfortableness” and not saying “no” firmly enough or often enough have become mistaken acts by many 21^st century parents.

Effective parents are limit-setters, with the task being to draw the line at the point where things become unsafe or unhealthy. And there is no more crucial place for setting limits for kids these days than in the areas of smartphones and video games, as they are often both unsafe and unhealthy. Whereas it was plainly obvious when to set the limit for your toddler when it came to calling him back from playing too close to the road, it can be trickier to know when to limit your teen’s use of the phone or your preteen’s time on the game console.  

So what do parents do when they set limits but their children break them? That’s when consequences come into play. Consequences are the natural response that initiates once your child tests limits. The consequence you set up should be connected to the behavior you want to see your child change or improve. So if your son broke the rule for stopping playing video games after an hour each day, he needs to show that he can stop playing all games for so-many-days in a row – without complaining or whining – before you return the privilege of one hour of playing daily. Similarly, if your daughter broke the rule of no smartphone use after 8 p.m., she needs to show you that she can turn off the phone each night starting at 6 p.m. for so-many-days in a row – without complaining or whining – before you return the privilege of the 8 p.m. phone curfew. 

Some parents will say their kid’s response will be to nonchalantly retort, “I don’t care,” when a parent explains the consequence of breaking the time-limit for phone/game use.  The child is just trying to manipulate mom or dad in order to avoid the consequence, and an effective parent will know their child who says, “I don’t care,” is simply trying to save face or get his or her own way. In this case, the parent needs to just calmy reply, “I hear you that you don’t care, but the consequence stays and that’s that.”

Successful parents find that it is best to be both succinct and clear when giving a consequence, and done in a calm, business-like manner. It keeps your child from feeling he or she can draw you into an argument. The parent’s voice and demeanor should not be harsh as the objective is for the child to perceive the person setting the limits – and the rule itself – is reasonable.

Acting as the parent – aka the boss and role model – and recognizing he or she is not the cool friend, mom or dad must disconnect from any conversation that devolves into their child insisting on arguing or dramatically attempting to negotiate the consequence that has been set. Over-explaining the parent’s rationale to the child is training the child to act like a type of “lawyer.” Simply explain why, set the limit, say, “That’s the way it is,” and don’t allow the child to think that he or she can argue mom or dad out of what rule and consequence have been established.  

One more thing about consequences is they work best if they are employed with rewards. If one parents with only consequences and never rewards, the parent-child relationship will principally feel punitive. An example of utilizing both consequences and rewards is to set a limit of one hour of video game use, and if your child breaks the rule, the consequence is no video games for a week. But, if your child follows this rule religiously for a month, you could reward his or her showing of responsibility with more trust, and allow an extra hour of video game use on all non-school nights.  

Successful parents help their kids grow in maturity and self-sufficiency, and setting time-limits and employing consequences are important tools to do just that. When setting boundaries on when and how phones, video games, and other devices will be allowed to be used by their youngsters, mom and dad need to stick to their guns, resolve to act as their child’s “parents” and not their “cool buddies,” and commit to being the wiser, authoritative, impactful adults God created parents to be.