Ten Dos & Don’ts for Dads

Being the month for Fathers’ Day, June is the perfect time to contemplate the vital role dads play in their children’s lives and to stress the importance of husbands needing to perpetually demonstrate love to their wives. 

Although there are stories of single moms who succeeded in raising their children in healthy home environments (my mom is a good example), it’s still a fact that children raised in female-only-headed families have significantly higher chances of growing up in trouble and continuing troubles into their adulthood.

Statistics show that when compared to intact married families, children from single-parent homes where the father is absent are more likely to have behavioral problems, get suspended from school and/or drop out of school, end up in jail, and/or live in poverty.  

Kids who not just had a father when growing up but who felt a closeness and warmth with their father were 75% less likely to have a child in their teen years, 80% less likely to be incarcerated, and 50% as likely to show various signs of depression, according to research from the University of Pennsylvania.

It is also revealing that recent figures indicate that 64% of black children in the U.S. do not live with their biological fathers. This figure is considerably higher than the other races (42% for Hispanic kids, 24% for whites, and only 16% for Asian children). Correspondingly, the incarceration rate of black Americans is 528 in jail per 100,000 of the population, which is the highest rate of any ethnicity. (Whites are incarcerated at a rate of 157 per 100,000, Hispanics at a rate of 145, and Asians at the lowest rate of 19 per 100,000.)

Thus, it can be argued that the lack of fathers in the home in a majority of black families is a primary cause of high rates of black youngsters not doing well in school and doing more time in prison, just as the high incidence of fathers in the homes of Asian families explains why Asian youngster get in the least amount of trouble while performing the best in school, according to studies.

Dads, for the most part, parent in a considerably different style than moms, and thus, their daily presence in the home is necessary. Whereas moms represent security and stress the importance of relationships to their children, dads are better at emphasizing to their sons and daughters the need to mature into independent young adults, the importance of competition to help achieve goals, and the ideas of justice, rule-following, and consequences for choosing right or wrong.

Of course, both types of parenting are equally vital so the children will grow up well-rounded, which is why the best type of family for kids to be raised in is one that has a mother and a father. Mom and dad together provide a balanced upbringing and thus, a better chance of their children growing up with healthy minds, caring hearts, and virtuous habits.

This parenting prototype illustrates “complementarianism” – a confirmation that there are noticeable and purposeful differences between males and females that create a healthy balance. It was created by God without making differences mean less than or better than the opposite sex. When applied to parenting, it means dads and moms play very different but equally essential roles in their children’s development.

A young son has different struggles than a young daughter, and therefore his dad’s distinctive experiences, knowledge, and inborn behaviors are more needed and better suited to help him face the type of problems and questions that his sister doesn’t have. The same can be said for moms having distinctive differences that make them better fits to parent daughters during certain moments in life.

A simplified statement could be that typically men are less compassionate yet emotionally and physically stronger, while women are typically less strong and more compassionate.  Yes, we know there can be tough, resilient women and kind, feeling men. However, the conventional Christian perspective is that women can become strong but in an appropriately feminine way, and men can be compassionate but in ways that integrate their masculinity. Pope St. John Paul II wrote:

“Womanhood expresses the ‘human’ as much as manhood does, but in a different and complementary way. When the Book of Genesis speaks of ‘help’ (Genesis 2:18-25: ‘Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper as his partner’), it is not referring merely to acting, but also to being. Womanhood and manhood are complementary not only from the physical and psychological points of view, but also from the ontological. It is only through the duality of the ‘masculine’ and the ‘feminine’ that the ‘human’ finds full realization.”

The truth is that there are differences inherent in masculinity and femininity, and these distinctions bring out the best of both worlds. We need to make sure our children learn to understand the differences between males and females so they will then grow up respecting these differences. Most especially, we need to make sure our sons grow up understanding the significance of a father being a strong leader, a faithful partner to his wife, and a model of virtuous living for his children. 

Besides the two fundamental actions men need to do as husbands and fathers –

(1) do stay married

&

(2) do be the leader of your family in complementary unison with your wife

– here are eight more specific “dos and don’ts” for husbands and fathers if they hope to stay in committed marriages and raise virtuous offspring:

(3)

Do pray every day, teach your children to pray every day, and make sure you and your wife routinely pray together. “The family that prays together, stays together” may be a corny slogan, but it’s true. (Read the articles “Family Prayer Is the Heartbeat of a Faithful Catholic Home” and “There Are Proven Practices that Keep Couples from Divorcing.”) 

(4)

Do attend Mass every Sunday with your family. Not only is it good for your soul and your kids’ souls, but studies show that the main factor in assuring children will continue to go to church in later years as they grow older is if their own dad attended with them as youngsters. (Read the article “Go to Mass Every Sunday and Make Sure Dad Does the Driving.”) 

(5)

Do demonstrate to your children an authentic and united front from you and your wife in both your faith lives and your morality. Don’t let your kids think they can pit mom against dad or vice-versa when it comes to talking one of your out of having to go to Mass or out of being assessed a discipline consequence. 

(6)

Do take care of yourself physically with regular exercise, good nutrition, and consistent hygiene. This will show your wife that you love her and want to have a long life with her, and will model to your children how they should be treating their bodies as well.

(7)

Do appreciate your wife’s work – especially if her vocation is as a fulltime homemaker. A wife/mother who elects to be a homemaker is to be valued for using her God-given feminine gifts directly for the good of her spouse and children, working tirelessly as an unpaid chef and nutritionist, as an unlicensed child psychologist and medical advisor, and as a non-union teacher and educational specialist. (Read the article: “Applaud this Special Career Choice.”)

(8)

Don’t give your children unsupervised access to the internet and – in the same vein – don’t hide your computer/phone/social media passwords from your wife, but invite her to be your accountability partner. In this way, indecent or immoral temptations that you may encounter will be quelched and the light of Christ will be able to shine within and through your marriage. (Read the article: “Talk to Your Child about Pornography Sooner than Later.”)

(9)

Don’t think that the “courting” you did when you were younger, that eventually led up to you proposing to your wife, is dead and in the past. Instead, continue to pursue your wife’s heart as you did when you were single and dating. Pay attention to her and romance her, such as by planning reoccurring “date nights” and surprising her with flowers “just because.”

(10)

Don’t try to be the “cool dad.” Your child needs friends his or her own age, and not a 6-foot-tall buddy who is going bald and developing a beer-belly. Your child can always find other friends, but your child cannot find other parents – who model responsibility and maturity, which includes sometimes needing to give your son or daughter displeasing orders or serious discipline. Your children may not come out and say so, but they want their dad to lay down the law and follow through on consequences, as they helps them feel secure and know they are loved. (Read the article: “Don’t Be the Cool Parent.”)

My final words of advice to you dads…

Being a perfect father and husband is a difficult task that has yet to be perfected by any human on earth. You should not be discouraged when you make mistakes and still have a lot to learn about how to raise great kids and how to keep the flame alive in your marriage.   Instead, you should turn to God every day (see “Do #3” above), asking Him to constantly teach you to be the dad and spouse your children and wife need you to be.