Help Your Kids Change Their Bad Attitudes & Gain Confidence

In my 34-year career as a Catholic school principal, I could walk into any classroom – be it full of 1^st graders or 8^th graders – and always spot a couple of students who had so-called “bad attitudes.” These would be the boys and girls who had low self-esteems and negative frames of mind, such as having no motivation to try to tackle a math problem or constantly self-criticizing to the point of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy by indeed failing and thus feeling even more defeated. Fortunately, due to the wise, effective support of some of my outstanding teachers, most of these students eventually changed their attitudes and gained confidence. What these teachers did wasn’t earth-shattering or full of secret-sauce. They simply injected confidence, poured on encouragement, and added a dose of the Christian faith. 

Getting the bad attitude and unconfident child to do a 180-degree change begins with instructing about the importance of positive self-talk. Here are some examples of what teachers – and parents – should do when they hear their young ones spout off the typical negative, defeatist phrases:

• When a boy says, “I’m not as smart as…”, help him change his attitude to, “I am still learning.”

• When a girl whines, “I can’t do it,” help her change her attitude to, “I will keep trying.”

• When a boy cries, “I made another mistake,” help him change his attitude to, “Mistakes help me learn.”

• When a girl declares, “I give up,” help her change her attitude to, “I’m going to try something different.”

• When a boy complains, “This is too hard,” help him change his attitude to, “With more practice this will be easier.”

• When a girl pouts, “I’m not good at this,” help her change her attitude to, “This will take more time and effort.”

To teach youngsters how to have a positive attitude even when they fail at answering a question correctly or completing a project, it begins by making sure they understand that failure does not imply that they are bad or inadequate; it only means they get to practice and try again. Everyone goes through multiple situations of failure in their lives, but those who understand that failure is a part of life and not something to be disturbed about are the ones who can dust off the disappointment and give it another shot. 

When a child fails in a situation – whether it’s an “F” on a test at school or striking out at a Little League game – parents can help by immediately focusing on anything good that can be noted (e.g. did better in a certain section of the test or made a great catch in the field later in the game). Then follow this up by encouraging them to get back on their feet and supporting them to keep trying until they succeed. This helps the boy or girl to develop a positive attitude toward failure, so instead of quitting, he or she will have the confidence to face challenges with a strong will to succeed. 

Bad attitudes and pessimism in kids often come from a lack of confidence. Teachers hear from their negative students that they will never measure up to their peers and can’t do anything right. If one’s confidence can be lifted, one’s attitude can switch from bad to good, so that it why it is up to their teachers and parents to find ways to encourage their children each and every day.

Children with high self-esteem grow up more resilient to failure and so won’t display the bad attitudes of self-criticism, whining, or even out-an-out quitting when they are confronted with tough challenges or failures later in their young adult and adult years. Outstanding teachers, quality coaches, and effective parents are those who help their kiddos understand that making mistakes and experiencing setbacks are a normal part of life, and “winners” in life know their job is to strive toward their goals and not get mired by feelings of defeat. 

As parents, you can help boost your kids’ proclivity to overcoming life’s hurdles not just by praising their efforts no matter the results but also to help them grow their independence by allowing them to assume age-appropriate responsibilities. Children who successfully complete tasks on their own – from a little one loading the dishwasher to an older one mowing the lawn – will see the results of their efforts, thus feeling empowered and proud of their work. Allowing boys and girls to make their own decisions assists them in mastering new skills while also developing a sense of autonomy. Autonomy will strengthen one’s self-confidence as they will feel more secure in future instances when they have to make a decision or judgment.

One way confidence can be enhanced in a child is by parents working with him or her to complete this activity:

1. Label a sheet of paper with: “I am awesome because…” 
2. Number down the left-side column of the paper with the numbers 1-5.
3. Ask your child to identify five of his or her strengths/gifts/talents/virtues and write them down to complete the “I am awesome because…” phrase. Examples would be “I am awesome because I am artistic and can draw well” or “I am awesome because I am a compassionate, good listener to my friends.”
4. When he or she is finished, reaffirm each of the named strengths/gifts/talents/virtues and continue into a conversation on how your child has recently used this attribute or could use it in the future.
5. Return to this completed activity sheet at later times should your child fall back into negative talk and need a reminder of how awesome he or she is.

A youngster’s self-confidence is shaped by a combination of things – the level of encouragement and/or criticism they receive from the adults in their life (parents, teachers, coaches), how much they feel loved by mom and dad, and how close they are to their Lord. When parents constantly remind their sons and daughters how special they are, how blessed they as parents are to have them in their lives, and that God made them wonderful and unique, the kids will feel reassurance and most likely develop a healthy self-esteem.  Sadly, in today’s world there are many insecure children who don’t receive loving support, amass more criticism than encouragement, and thus don’t appreciate themselves. They then often find aberrant role models to follow and ungodly purposes to join. 

Changing a child’s bad attitude and lack of confidence happens when parents, teachers, and coaches pour on encouragement as well as add a dose of the Christian faith. Mom and dad need to show their youngsters that when they feel down and defeated, lack confidence and hope, and are experiencing failure and discomfort, they can receive joy and confidence by getting close to the Lord.

Scripture gives us many examples of how the person who loves God, prays devotedly, and has faith in Jesus will be uplifted, hopeful, and jubilant even in troubled times.  Parents can search through the Bible with their children to locate the passages that their young ones like best and think will help them with some spirit replenishment. A good idea is to then write out these passages on post-it notes (even decorated as part of a family art project) and then displayed on the child’s bedroom or bathroom mirror or inserted in their school notebooks.

To help get started on this activity, following are some powerful Bible verses about how one can stay joyful in any situation as long as one stays close to God. Parents should read these together with their son/daughter along with other words of positive support found throughout the Good Book:

• Psalm 1:1-3
• Psalm 19:7-8
• Psalm 28:7
• Psalm 119:1-3
• Psalm 119:89-105
• Proverbs 16:20
• Proverbs 8:32-35
• James 1:2-4
• Romans 15:13
• 2 Corinthians 4:1-18
• Colossians 1:9-12

Whether you are a teacher or a parent, helping your kids to feel good about themselves is not just important to curtail the whines of “I can’ do it!” and “I give up!” when they are 10-years-old and struggling with math homework, but it is vital in providing a foundation of self-confidence that will last long into adulthood. Children need the adults in their lives to give them the tools for not only facing today’s challenges positively but for facing future uncertainties, turmoil, and roadblocks that are sure to arise. It all starts with making your kids feel loved and valued while realizing that their Lord loves and values them as well.