Parent Like an Air Traffic Controller

As I recently wrote, the popular parent styles that employ hovering, overreacting, and coddling are unconstructive at best and damaging at worst. The best parenting style might just be to emulate an air traffic controller.

Helicopter-parents hover over their children, bulldozer-parents push away all obstacles or disappointments, and bubble-wrap-parents overprotect and baby their kids.  All of these modern forms of parenting focus on overinvolved moms and dads making sure their children don’t lose, don’t get stressed, or don’t get left out.

The Air Traffic Controller Parenting Style

Unlike the above styles of parenting, moms and dads who parent more like air traffic controllers will see more positive growth in their youngsters. The air traffic controller does not steer and land the plane; that is left up to the pilot to do. The air traffic controller does not jump in and grab the flight controls and rudder panels if the pilot is off course. He or she can merely point out obstacles and offer advice and verbal directions.  

Similarly, a parent who follows the “job description” of an air traffic controller will be hands-off. While remaining off in the distance, they will keep track of their child, but allow him or her to do the actual piloting.

A child raised by a mom and dad who parent this way will become much more independent. And isn’t that a parent’s ultimate job – to raise a child to become an independent person who can become more and more self-sufficient and self-confident until ready to leave the nest?

The Ice-Pack Parenting Style 

Just as parenting in an air traffic controller style beats helicopter style parenting, so too is parenting in an ice-pack style much better than bubble-wrap parenting

Many modern parents are called bubble-wrap-parents because they see their role as making sure their child never gets damaged, physically or emotionally. They do not allow their youngster to be in any situation that could possibly bring about pain. By being overprotective and babying, their kids don’t develop resiliency or courage.

Parents would do better to throw away the bubble-wrap and bring out the ice-packs.  They should allow their kids to take risks – age-appropriately – even if it means they will most likely fall down, bump their head, and cry in pain. Immediately after falling – and learning from it – the child can be comforted by mom or dad who arrive with an ice-pack.

A child will never learn about risk-taking, fortitude, and perseverance if they are constantly  bubble wrapped and not allowed to try new things. And this doesn’t just involve kids taking physical risks.  Youngsters also need to be “allowed” to get a bad grade on an assignment or lose in a game in order to learn from it, to gain resiliency, and improve the next time.

A parent’s job in many cases should be to stand back and watch, ready to be there with the ice-pack to help bring the swelling down after the fall, but not to necessarily prevent the fall. Remove the bubble-wrap ahead of time so to allow the child to experience the event, even if it might bring pain or disappointment.

Stress Can Be Good

Too many modern parents take away the childhood experiences of a skinned knee or a disheartening loss away from their kids. Youngsters need stressful and unpleasant experiences as they grow so to more likely develop into fully functioning human beings. 

A psychology professor at the University at Buffalo did research with showed that a moderate amount of stress in one’s childhood promotes resiliency. This resilience assists the person when older in dealing with conflicts and adversity. The professor’s undergraduate students rated how many stressful events they had in their younger lives, such as having to deal with the death of a parent or having a significant childhood illness. The professor then plunged his students’ hands into ice water and noted that those students who had experienced more stressful events in their youth actually felt less pain from the ice water plunge than those who had experienced no stress when children.

You build “tough” kids by allowing them some independence, by not saving them from every little struggle, and by setting it up so they have to deal with typical childhood stresses. A rookie airline pilot has to handle the turbulence and land the plane himself or herself, with the helper in the air traffic control tower there only to provide information or suggestions. That is how the rookie pilot becomes a veteran expert pilot. 

It is eye-opening to realize the differences when comparing parents from a few decades ago in the 20^th Century to today’s moms and dads. Modern parents spend more time than those previous generation ones in getting over-involved in their children’s lives. And this is even though today’s parents have fewer children in the family and are more likely to have both parents working outside the home.

What we need is for 21^st Century moms and dads to adjust their involvement so that it revolves around family dinners together, going to Mass together, and doing wholesome activities together. Being overinvolved by micromanaging their kids’ schoolwork and being overprotective by solving all their kids’ problems or even keeping them from suffering defeats is not the type of involvement needed.

There Is Help for Parents

Parents can both lower their anxiety level and assist their children by backing off from getting personally involved in many situations. Instead, moms and dads should share their anxieties and worries with the Lord and with their spiritual Mother in Heaven.

They can tell Jesus both their fears and aspirations for their children, asking for His assistance to their kids and comfort for their own worrying. In addition, a daily praying of a Hail Mary can lessen parents’ worries. Consider adding to the ending – “…pray for us sinners…” with an additional “..and pray for my children…”

By backing off from being overinvolved, overprotective, and overindulgence, parents will be able to let go of all the parenting-stress that is weighing them down.  Let Christ help you carry that burden and letting His Mother be your prayer warrior.