Whom Your Children Surround Themselves With Matters

It is important to understand that the people we surround ourselves with have a massive impact on our lives. Our approach to life, the goals we set, and the opportunities we are given are usually correlated with the friends we choose and the relationships we forge. 

Parents would be smart to pass on to their children this understanding of whom we surround ourselves with matters. The success our kids will or will not achieve as they grow up will be partly due to their hard work and their God-given talent, and possibly even a little due to luck or happenstance.  Yet also, part of a person’s success is a collective achievement, shaped by the people we keep around us.

We have heard the adages that refer to whom we surround ourselves with matters:

• “Tell me your company, and I will tell you what you are.”
• “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
• “Ninety-five percent of your success does not stem from hard work or talent, but rather from the company you keep.”

That last quote has been attributed to Harvard psychology professor Dr. David McClelland. His decades of research on what makes a person successful concluded that the individuals one associates with plays a pivotal role in determining one’s achievements. A person’s friends influence one’s thoughts, mindset, and aspirations.

A Child’s Personal Network Is Impactful

And it is not just the few close friends of a preteen or teen that will influence him or her.  A child’s classmates and teammates, even if not personally close, still are an influential part of their “personal network.” The typical child attending a conventional school will closely hang around for about seven hours a day with anywhere from a dozen to a hundred “school colleagues.”  When playing on a sports team, a youngster will be closely engaging with his or her teammates in very emotional, passionate, and memorable contests.  

Moms and dads must help their children understand that their personal network will have a strong impact on their success. Thus, they will want to choose their friends and acquaintances wisely. Likewise, parents will want to wisely place their kids in appropriate school communities and athletic programs. 

A constructive network or group of peers can be so impactful on a youth’s positive growth and future achievements. The right group of friends and acquaintances will encourage accountability, help one stay focused on their goals, and provide support when challenges arise.

Tips for Building the Proper Friend Group

Parents should sit down with their children to discuss the importance of surrounding oneself with the right group of friends, and then how to go about finding the best personal network. Some tips to help build that constructive, supportive network include the following:

• Evaluate your circle of friends and identify those who uplift you and those who may be dragging you down;
• Seek the optimistic and ambitious acquaintances who will help inspire positivity and personal growth;
• Consider diversifying your close peer group if adding new friends from different backgrounds might help you gain new perspectives and insights;
• Reduce your contact with those friends who are negative influences and lack ambition as they will most likely hinder your ability to thrive in the future;
• Invest in your friendships by offering them encouragement and reciprocating support.

Parents Have to Step In

Although mom and dad won’t be able hand-hold their preteens and teens in finding good friends, they do need to stay aware. At times, parents will see poor relationships forming and then must step in and help their children find positive peers while curtailing their connections with negative peers. 

A motto parents can follow is, “If there is anyone in our child’s circle who is not bringing a positive attribute to his/her life, we need to point this out and possibly even intervene.”

And it is not just the people in the child’s circle with whom moms and dads must be concerned. Parents must also keep their eyes on their youngsters’ exposure to activities that become negative influences, such as:

• Viewing/listening to corrupt media and propagandized news sources;
• Looking at degenerate internet sites;
• Persistent involvement in social media – includes both posting about themselves or obsessed with following others;
• Following immoral celebrities and online influencers.

Beware of Virtual Peers

It was in the 1960s and ‘70s that Harvard Professor McClelland researched the influence of peers on a person’s development. The definition of “peers” at that time was confined to personal friends and acquaintances. A friend or peer was someone seen face-to-face and spoken to in person.

But today, in our modern, hi-tech world, social media and online communities often compose a teen’s “peers.” No longer are those who play a role in shaping a person’s identity only those with whom there is a traditional face-to-face interaction. Nowadays, an adolescent’s “peers” are those on social media platforms – such as YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, and Snapchat – who have never actually been in the same room.

Kids are connecting with virtual people and groups who become their influential role models even though many could be bots or predator-type adults who pretend to be young equals online. These “digital peers” or “virtual peers” can spread unrealistic standards and comparisons and a distorted sense of success. They can instill social pressure that will cause preteens and teens stress and an aberrant outlook on life.

Therefore, parents must take steps that include limiting their children’s exposure to the internet, social media platforms, and online gaming chats with strangers. Even if the person a preteen or teen is following online is indeed a real person with an authenticated identity, it must be stressed how phony online personas are.  One’s online persona usually differs considerably from that person’s real-life identity, as individuals will choose to emphasize only positive and probably self-aggrandizing traits and experiences while downplaying the actual, negative aspects. 

The fundamental action for moms and dads to take when it comes to limiting their kids’ online exposure is to never give their children a smart phone until they have proven themselves to be mature and responsible. This would typically be no sooner than when the teen finally gets his or her driver’s license, as explained in the article, “How To Be Named Both Meanest Parent Ever and Parent of the Year.” 

Stay Away From Peers Who Drink or Smoke

Various studies (such as here and here) have shown that a teenager’s friend group is a vital factor in determining if the teen himself or herself will use drugs like pot, alcohol, and cigarettes. This research proves that adolescents will be much more likely to use harmful substances if their close friends are using.

When a child’s closest friends drink or smoke, not only is the child given immediate access to substances but he or she is also  model drug using behavior and help shape beliefs and positive attitudes toward the use of drugs.

Since youth who have drug-using friends are more likely to use drugs themselves, it is critical parents keep a keen eye out for the type of peers with whom their children are spending time. If there is evidence their child’s social group is dabbling in harmful substances, these relationships must be halted.

Choose the Right School and Parish

The adage that a person is the average of the five people with whom he or she spends the most time expresses the importance of surrounding yourself with the right friends and acquaintances.  Parents would be wise to stress to their sons and daughters that to improve their chances of a successful future they will want to choose peers that share their beliefs, vision, and core values. 

Moms and dads should both help their kids find positively motivated and morally sound friend groups and stress to their kids the importance of distancing from negative influences who contradict your family’s principles. 

These positive, upright peers will definitely be found more in homeschooling communities or Catholic schools than in the public school population. This why, except in rare occasions, no Christian parent should enroll their children in a public school. You can read about the reasons why in “Public School Parents, What the Heck Are You Thinking?!” and in “The Best School Choice Might Just Be Homeschooling.”

Similarly, positive influences on kids will most likely be found in your Catholic parish. That is one of the benefits of attending Mass as a family and enrolling children in either a Catholic school or the parish’s faith formation class/youth group. The chance increases that one’s child will grow morally and have a rewarding future if he or she remains close with faithful, Christ-loving, God-fearing peers.

What Do Birds of a Feather Do?

If it is true that “birds of a feather flock together,” it is vital that a person who wants to grow up righteously and be successful in life keeps the correct company. Keeping to bird-associated maxims, many motivational speakers will tell you, “You can’t soar like an eagle when you surround yourself with turkeys.”

When it comes to their children, parents should want them surrounded by moral, reputable, and resolute friends, classmates, and teammates. Kids are more likely to adopt similar values and adhere to the same beliefs of their closest peers. Therefore, they should be steered away from friends, classmates, and teammates who aren’t ethical, who aren’t trustworthy, and who settle for mediocrity.

Although as parents, we want to believe our child’s success will be due to a combination of heredity, proper parenting, and their own hard work, those factors will be all for naught if we allow them to keep company with the wrong people during their formative years.